My People-Pleasing Past

People-Pleasing began by the tender age of six for me.  I was in first grade, where we colored a lot.  My problem with all this coloring was that it seemed to take me forever.  

But, being a resourceful kid, I soon found the perfect solution, even if I do say so myself!  I had all the kids on my worksheets wear orange.  What a great idea!  This saved me lots of time...shirts, pants, dresses, and skirts...all in orange.  For me, orange was the new black!

Photo (c) iStockphoto.com/Svemir

My teacher, however, did not see the perfection in my solution.  And like most children, I felt a strong need to please adults. who were, after all the source of our ability to survive!

This self-protection response is often so deeply ingrained, that we forget to leave it behind as we approach adulthood, allowing it to create havoc in our lives.

Once, as a teen, I agreed to serve at a fund-raising dinner.  It was scheduled for the day after my friend's slumber party, which I was looking forward to, even though I knew it would involve very little slumber!

Photo (c) iStockphoto.com/Jessica Key

I had a great time with my friends, but the next day I had to drag myself to the dinner, which I never should have agreed to in the first place.  Saying NO couldn't have been any worse than that, especially when, in this case, it wasn't a self-protective response...it was just a habit that was not serving me well at all.

Photo (c) iStockphoto.com/meshaphoto

Now...fast-forward to my college years.  My roommate and I received a "friendly visit" from two other young women who lived on our floor of the dorm.  They mentioned that they were hungry, so we got out some snacks for the four of us.

  Photo (c) iStockphoto.com/Kadir Barcin

O.K., now here's the rub....  The following night, the same scenario played out again.  These young women didn't bother with us any other time.  Clearly these two were just looking for anyone with food who had passed "People-Pleasing 101"!

So, my roommate and I devised a "Pest Control Plan."  When the moochers returned on the third night, they said, "We're hungry!"  My roommate and I responded, "So are we!"  The pests never returned, and we saved our study time as well as our snack supplies.

Over the years, I've learned to protect my time, welcoming countless hours back into my own life! You can share your experiences with and solutions to this issue at the "comments" area button below.  Most of us need a tune-up now and then to keep our boundaries in place, so please share what you know with the rest of the creative4life Community.

Now, when I look back at my people-pleasing past, I see for sure that there was no future in it!  :-)

Thanks,
Susan

Mind Spa Coaching & Reiki

with Susan Cleaver

Photo (c) iStockphoto.com/CGinspiration


Announcing Two Community Events
in the greater Philadelphia, PA, area

Pope John Paul II Wellness Fair
"Fun exhibits, healthy activities...and door prizes!"

Saturday, October 6, 2012, from 10 am to 1pm

Pope John Paul II High School, 181 Rittenhouse Rd., Royersford, PA 19468

Photo (c) iStockphoto.com/Kate_2004


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2nd Annual
You Can Heal Yourself from Cancer
Event presented by McCormick Chiropractic

Saturday, October 13, 2012; registration at 8:15 am; program from 9:00 am to 1:00 pm

Location: North Coventry Fire Dept. Social Room, 114 W. Schuylkill Rd., Pottstown, PA 19465

Eight inspiring speakers are slated to speak!  

Tickets are $20 each before Oct. 2; $25 after or at the door.  Bring a friend for free.

To register, call Lisa Weir at 610-705-0201.

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***All of Susan's creative4life posts are (c) Susan Cleaver.***

***Proud member of the TriCounty Community Network (at www.tcnetwork.org), Coachville, and the Coachville R&D Team.***

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2011: The Year of Audacious Self-Care!

Photo (c) iStockphoto.com/Ann Marie Kurtz

Welcome!

I'm hosting a year-long program of Audacious Self-Care to build a community that will soften the blow of the recession somewhat for all of us. It really bothers me that now, when folks are looking for ways to rise above the recession and have to great lives anyway, many of them can't afford assistance with their goals!

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I don't want us living "lives of quiet desperation," as Henry David Thoreau put it. I like this quote by Thoreau much better:

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

I know we can all do this despite the recession! Even if you've suffered losses because of the recession, I believe in your power to overcome them and "Live the life you have imagined."

I developed the Audacious Self-Care program so that you can participate in many no-cost and/or reasonably-priced activities. It's this simple: if you want in, you're in! The program itself has no enrollment fee, and you are not obligated to participate in any part of it that has a fee if you're not comfortable with that.

I discussed the Audacious Self-Care program in my 11/22/10 post, along with some goal-setting tips. I encourage you to take a look at that post, too. And later this month, I'll be posting more about goal setting and how to pick the best goal-setting system for you.

Audacious Self-Care is a theme that I'm very passionate about, and I believe it's the perfect one to focus on during the recession! We'll be covering four topics, one for each quarter of the year, keeping in mind that self-care is world-care, and world-care is self-care!

1) The Possible You

2) Take a Look Around: Your Immediate Environment

3) Boundaries and Bridges: Your Interactions with Others

4) Audacious Contribution and Stewardship

Please note: I am not harvesting emails through this program, and there is no official sign-up. Just jump in wherever and whenever you want!

I would love to hear from you in the comments section of this blog! I know we can help each other by reporting our success stories, asking questions, giving advice, and making observations right here on the blog.

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The Audacious Self-Care Community needs your input! I know it will be worth your time to support and be supported and inspired by this community.

I'd like to call upon my five blog followers to step up and get the conversation started. Many thanks to spiritcoach, denagrad, decory, Hazel Dugz, and pf_black44!

For blog followers and non-followers alike, please share your thoughts with us about our current topic, The Possible You. Here's some food for thought: Close your eyes and imagine the best possible you. Describe the scene, including sounds, sights, who is with you, what you're doing, and how you're feeling.

At what level of belief are you that you are actually heading there? 50%? 85%? (If it's zero, don't worry. We'll help you bump it up!) What evidence is currently in your life or in your personal history to support your belief? And finally, what will your self-care need to look like in order to support the possible you?

Most of us have a desire to make the world a kinder and gentler place, and that starts with being kinder and gentler to ourselves! As Daniel Pink, the author of Drive, says:

"...the secret to high performance and satisfaction in today's world is the deeply human need to direct our own lives, to learn and create new things, and to do better by ourselves and our world."

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If you would like a more personal venue, I also encourage occasional brief email exchanges (scleaver@dejazzd.com) at no cost and with no strings. You can even send snail-mail if you wish! :-) The address is Susan Cleaver, P.O. Box 586, Douglassville, PA 19518-1121.

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Speaking of snail-mail, I publish a quarterly, two-page newsletter that is complimentary. (If you live outside of the domestic US, I may ask you to help with the postage, though!) Just let me know if you'd like to receive it and where you'd like it to be sent.

The Audacious Self-Care Community is going to be a great inter-developmental source of fun and support, even if I do say so myself. ('See? I'm already a bit audacious!)

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All my best,

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Susan

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P.S. to local folks: I'll be teaching an accelerated, reasonably-priced version of Audacious Self-Care for the Boyertown Area School District's Continuing Education Program. We'll meet for one hour on each of the four topics.

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We'll cover one each week for four Mondays, starting on March 14. Contact me (scleaver@dejazzd.com) or the District for details.

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***One more thing: Please spread the word about The Audacious Self-Care Community! The more people we have involved, the more wisdom we'll have to share and the more folks we can help. Thank you!***

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***All of Susan's posts are copyright of Susan Cleaver.***

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***Proud, active member of the TriCounty Community Network, http://www.tcnetwork.org/.***

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Stress-Reducing Ideas You May Not Have Thought About

~Dedicated to my May "Stress-Less Evening" Participants~

...May the Calm Be with You!

1. Make sure your goals align with your values.

2. Declutter. You'll be amazed at how much stress it was causing you!

3. Trust. Author Dr. Susan Jeffers says, "Trust the grand design."

4. Be of service. Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

5. Be a life-long learner.

6. Learn to be mindful in the moment while keeping the big picture in view.

7. Be proactive. It's the polar opposite of procrastination, and it feels great!

8. Be part of a community.

9. Were you taught that "little white lies" were no big deal? I'd rethink that. As nationally-known coach and author Cheryl Richardson says, "Learn to speak the truth with grace and love."

10. Be sure you have clear personal boundaries in place about what you're willing to do, and what you consider to be acceptable behavior toward you from others.

11. Embrace simplicity.

12. Be selective about the amount and the type of information you allow into your head. Consider joining the growing number of us that rarely watch TV, especially the news!

Serenely yours,

Susan

P.S. Email me for more info on a discounted introductory coaching session by phone or in person. Discounted introductory pricing is also available for your first Reiki treatment!

***All of Susan's creative4life posts are copyright of Susan Cleaver.***

***Member of the TriCounty Community Network, a local organization at www.tcnetwork.info.***

Five Great Reminders for Self-Care

1. "People spend more time planning their vacations each year than they spend on planning for their care and well-being the other 51 weeks." ~Thomas Leonard

Yikes! This is all too true for many of us. Do you have a written plan for your own well-being?


2. "Remember to avoid over scheduling, over committing and over yes-ing! The more you say yes to things that may zap you of your time, strength, and energy, the less you stay true to your values and priorities." ~Debi Silber

Do you have effective boundaries in place?


3. "They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them." ~Mohandas Gandhi

Is maintaining your self-respect non-negotiable?


4. "And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson

Great self-care makes you a wonderful role model for others!


5. "Put your own oxygen mask on first before attempting to help other passengers." ~Every airline I've ever flown on! :-)

You can't help others if you're running on empty yourself.


Take care...of yourself,

Susan

P.S. Whether you've taken on a "Plan B," or one has been thrust upon you...contact me at scleaver@dejazzd.com to set up a complimentary coaching session by phone or in person. It's called:
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***Plan B: Transforming Transition***

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In this session we'll stragetize for your smooth transition to "Plan B" with...

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The Five R's of Transformation:

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1) Regroup

2) Reframe

3) Reserves

4) Resilience

5) Rewards!

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P.P.S. for Locals: Stop by Sunnybrook in Pottstown this Saturday, Sept. 26, between 9:00 am and 2:00 pm, to watch or experience my Reiki and Laser Coaching Demos at my exhibit table! There will be lots to see and do at the PMSI Community Health Fair!

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***All of Susan's creative4life posts are copyright of Susan Cleaver.***

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***Member of the TriCounty Community Network, a local resource for human services at http://www.tcnetwork.info/. ***

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Minimize Distractions on the Front End

It's an all-too-familiar scenario: You finally have time to focus on a project that is important to you. It's full speed ahead! Until....

Knots, tangles, detours, and other interruptions spring up in your path. Ugh. These little gremlins come from three major sources:

*From the project itself (logistical issues, etc.)

*From outside of you and the project (household emergencies, technology problems, entreaties for help from others, etc.)

*From inside you (lack of sleep, ADD, fear of success or failure, etc.)

Head 'Em off at the Pass. Proactivity is a concept that has been thrown around a lot lately...and with good reason. Being proactive has become one of my most valuable ways to avoid stress! A few tips:

*Have a rainy-day fund in as many of these areas as possible:

~Time

~Space (in your physical surroundings, in your schedule, etc.)

~Money

~Flexibility

~Resources

~Patience (Learn to accept what is while still intending to move forward.)

~Supplies (It stinks to get a great idea for a watercolor painting and then realize you never got around to replacing your worn-out brushes. When inspiration strikes, the last thing you feel like doing is running an errand!)

*Educate others about your needs and boundaries.

~Let them know when your focus time is, and when you're available to be reached.

~Sure, you want to help others when they truly need it. But be firm with those who tend to disrespect your time and/or expect you to bail them out because of their own lack of planning or follow-through.

And for the gremlins and interruptions that manage to sneak through anyway....

*Ask yourself why it happened. If you could have avoided it, own up to that and learn for next time. But don't waste energy beating yourself up about it.

*Prioritize...is the interruption important enough to drop what you were doing completely, or can you put the obstacle in a holding pattern for a while?

*Dispatch...choose the best course of action for the interruption:

~Ask for help if that's appropriate.

~You may choose to deal with it on the spot, especially if it's urgent or can be gotten off your plate quickly.

~You may choose an appropriate future time to handle the issue; be sure to make a note on your calendar.

~Ask yourself if it really needs to be done at all. The gremlin may be a sheep in wolf's clothing!

Cultivate inner calm. In college I took a speed-reading course. One of the exercises was to read while hearing (but not taking in) a variety of noises on a recording. I still have a difficult time reading in a noisy environment. It's an interesting exercise, though, and may work for some folks if they practiced it enough.

Here's one I'm much better at...keeping my base-line stress level down by following my own advice from this post. This allows me wiggle room when I need it, so I can respond to situations rather than react to them.

An all-purpose reframing affirmation from author Susan Jeffers, PhD: "Whatever happens, I'll handle it." Give it a try!

All my best to you,

Susan

P.S. for locals: Don't miss the Healthy Lifestyles Expo at the Montgomery County Community College West Campus in Pottstown, PA, on Friday, April 17! I'll be demonstrating Reiki at my exhibit table. Please stop by! Contact me for more details at scleaver@dejazzd.com or 610-385-3766.

***All of Susan's creative4life posts are copyright of Susan Cleaver.***

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Pave the Way Now for Your 2009 Resolutions

Start now to set the foundation for the success of your 2009 goals! Here are a few things you can do to put yourself in the best possible position to succeed.

~Prioritize your goals, and limit your current efforts to the top two or three so you don't spread yourself too thin.

~Line up support and accountability. Depending on your goals and situation, you may need the help of a friend, family member, coach, therapist, doctor, personal trainer, dietitian, etc.

~Note the obstacles you may encounter so you are prepared to flow around them.

~Start taking excellent care of yourself physically and emotionally so you'll be up to the challenges. Set boundaries with others and eliminate at least one obligation from your schedule that is draining you.

~Prepare your mind with affirmations, imagery, and intentions related to your goals now so they will be firmly set in your mind by the New Year.

Following these suggestions will be one of the best holiday gifts you've ever given yourself!

Please let us all know how it goes by leaving a comment. We can all learn from each other!

Thanks,
Susan

P.S. Ask me about my Anti-Hibernation Coaching Special that will be in effect for January and February 2009! Contact me at scleaver@dejazzd.com or 610-385-3766.

***All of Susan's creative4life posts are copyright of Susan Cleaver.***

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Featured Artist: Kylene Cleaver

Photographer Kylene Cleaver is the amazing talent that has brought Leave It to Me Photography (TM) to life in Elkton, MD, and surrounding areas. Yes, she is my daughter-in-law, so if you think I'm biased, see for yourself at http://www.leaveittomephotography.com/!


Kylene is a great role model for other entrepreneurial creatives who want to work primarily from home while their kids are small and beyond.


Her intuition tugged at her sleeve about four years ago when she realized that capturing moods and telling stories with her photos were in her blood. Two years later, her son was born, and
many of her friends were also starting families. Her intuition nudged her again as she took photos of moms-to-be and later their babies, as well as her own son.


Kylene has branched out into other types of photography while remaining true to her own style. I feel that this is one of the keys to her success. Once you have developed your style, competition is not much of a concern. You may be working in the same medium of creative expression as many others, but it's how you express yourself through that medium that clients are attracted to.


As you peruse Kylene's beautiful site at http://www.leaveittomephotography.com/, notice how she sets herself apart from other photographers. Her creative thumbprint is on everything she does!


An important strength I see in Kylene is that she truly enjoys her work. Her enthusiasm is contagious, making the client's experience a pleasant one from beginning to end.


Another cue you can take from Kylene is knowing when to ask for help. She belongs to Internet forums and meet-up groups to give and receive tips, support, and feedback. Kylene also asks for help and feedback from family and friends, and we are glad to be involved in her creative process!


Then she takes the step that a lot of creatives forget. She uses the feedback that resonates with her to improve her work!


Another strength I've watched Kylene develop is that she clearly spells out her policies, deadlines, etc., so that her clients know what to expect up front. It shows respect for her clients while helping her to set boundaries that prevent her from getting burned out or just plain "burned."


Please check out Kylene Cleaver's site at http://www.leaveittomephotography.com/ for a great example of an artist who has found a way to see with her heart ... and translate it for the rest of us with her beautiful photos!


My best to all of you,


Susan


P.S. Regardless of your medium of expression, I can help you smooth out the rough spots on your creative journey. Email me at scleaver@dejazzd.com to set up a complimentary coaching tele-session!

***All of Susan's creative4life posts are copyright of Susan Cleaver.***

Castles in the Air

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." --Henry David Thoreau

This is one of the greatest lessons I learned in my coach training! I wish I'd known it when I was a freelance children's writer. From my viewpoint now as a coach and Reiki Master, I can see how I failed to provide a solid foundation for myself. I did well in terms of learning the ropes and staying up with changes in the field. I knew the foundational stuff for my sole proprietorship, but I forgot to take care of the proprietor!

Soon I became the weakest link in my own chain, often dealing with creative blocks and stress-related illnesses that led me away from being the "principal" of my business and toward being the "principle" reason it failed!

I did not take care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or energetically! It was like walking on stilts, which was certainly not a firm foundation for my "castle"!

Even if your creative activity is a hobby rather than a business, if you've been walking on stilts, where are you going to find the energy and inspiration to create? Keeping your values in mind, take a look at these three areas:

Simplify

• What routines can you institute to lessen your stress?
• What positive energy resources can you cultivate for yourself? Maybe a walk in nature?
• What boundaries do you need to set with others to lessen your stress?

Clarify

• What strengths can you leverage?
• What kind of people do you want to surround yourself with?

Amplify

• What is your vision or mission for your life, and how does your art fit in?
• What goals support your vision or mission?
• What's one small step you can take today to start building a firm foundation?

Please share your comments on the step you choose and your results to inspire the rest of us!

Thanks,

Susan

P.S. Email me at scleaver@dejazzd.com to set up a complimentary introductory tele-coaching session for more help on this topic or most others!